Day 127

I know, it’s that time of year that everyone has been waiting for and I can hardly contain myself either. I can’t hold back any longer I have to ejaculate,”Happy Masturbation Day!”

Yep, it exists. After everyone was celebrating, siblings day, only child day, cute puppy day, pet parent day on Facebook, I thought what can I celebrate?

Well, every day is a holiday if you need an excuse to celebrate. So, go ahead get lubed up!

Day 127


Day 121

Ok, so where did April go? Officially a quarter of the way into my challenges and failing on all fronts, but I still have three-quarters to go!

I have come to accept I will probably fail most of my challenges, but I plan to continue trying anyway. If only to see at the end of a year if I accomplish anything at all or maybe just accept that I am middle aged and enjoy life instead.

Unfortunately or fortunately depending how you look at it, I suffer from stubbornness, but…

Stubbornness with a purpose
can be perseverance

Day 121


Day 110

Baking soda is out, it gave me a rash under my arms. I could’nt take the burning sensation and the painful blind pimples any longer, so I scoured my medicine cabinet and came across tea tree oil. I rubbed it under my arms, it got rid of the redness and felt so good. So, now baking soda has reduced me from hipster making my own natural homemade beauty treatments to being grandma using smelly tea tree oil. Since it worked so well under my arms, I thought I would try it on my hemorrhoids, which have been driving me to the brink of insanity.

Ohhh tea tree oil, so soothing!

And now my rash is gone. No, not my butt hole, under my arms! The itching has stopped too. Yes, in and around my butt hole! It’s official, I am old because I’d rather smell musty and feel comfortable, than look good clenching my butt cheeks together, trying to refrain from ejaculating, “FUCK! It’s so itchy!”

You have to say it like Agnes in Despicable Me and replace fluffy with itchy and add some profanity.

The final straw on baking soda was when I poured it on my old, smelly dog Lilly. It seemed to draw out her oder instead of eliminating it. They say after a while owners and their dogs start to look and act like each other. I don’t want to be fat and skanky rolling on my back showing off my nasty snatch! Lilly needs to die off soon, so I can get myself a cute puppy. I need that new puppy smell!

…Mmm puppy smell

You have to say it like Homer Simpson and replace donuts with puppy smell.

Day 110


Day 107

Okay, so I have read a lot about success and everything says you have to fail first, usually several times. I figure by this rational, at the rate I am going, I am destined to be very successful!

Day 107